得比失的多

我終於坦白說出我的感受和需要，真的不用難受了，人家有什麼反應就由人家來選擇，反正責任已不在我。
總有緣盡的一天，我為那些曾經並肩過的人祝福，並且向前走。

我喜歡G，喜歡那種如沐春風的感受，喜歡那份連繫。

K 來我樓下吃餃子，我真的很快樂，一幀好風景就是這樣了吧。

Count your blessings, darling.

Do something new

Well, I can't believe that I can do sitting meditation everyday and running meditation 3 times a week......Love mindfulness......My body is amazing!

Here-and-now in Yuen Long

I went to Yuen Long to celebrate b'day with my fd D at Pak Lai (白泥). W and I act as surprise but we had waited for a mini-bus for too long. I really became a little bit impatient inside the taxi in traffic jam. When I finally arrived at Pak Lai, I felt great even I missed the sunset already. The silence, the atmosphere and...... Just knowing that I enjoyed as I can do nothing about the traffic jam!

My fd D looked delightful but I'm not sure. Just hoping everything will be fine.

K called me when I'm back to Yuen Long. I had a drink with him afterwards. Enjoy every moment and happiness is already here. Need-free love? Well, I've got it.

靈光

我請教她：「這東東很難學，我又不經過訓練，怎用？」
她：「你在過程中領悟以後，就會自然用得到的了。」

她：「你來想想這兩者的關係。」
我：「我知道用腦想是沒法想得通啊！」
她：「那你繼續吃飯做人，會有靈光的。」

又來一個很玄的人......這幾個月我似在學做人似的......

跑步禪

禪修是經歷，說不清，一定要親身體會，才能修得「念定慧」，有正念，就會有專注和智慧生起。我現在盡可能在生活中加入禪修原素，例如我開始跑步，以往我從來不感到跑步很有趣，感到是苦差，但跑了三次以後我就感到有趣了，覺察自己的呼吸、姿勢、想法、周圍的環境。覺察到呼吸太急促，就嘗試改變呼吸頻率節奏；覺察到自己上身擺動得太厲害，以致太累，就嘗試少一點擺動；覺察到會與別人成績比較，就嘗試專注當下的步伐和呼吸......種種回應都源於覺察，於是跑著跑著，我就感到自己的身體是實驗場所，它教我很多智慧，讓我覺察原來我的大腿有力而缺乏適合自己的呼吸節奏，也覺察到很多時候是心念想放棄而已，而身體實在是潛能無限，只要肯繼續修習就必能夠超越界限。跑完後感覺舒暢自在，無怪乎一行禪師說勞動是修習的好法門。

九龍公園游泳池

我原是世間其中的粒子
如何沖擊我都可以

二百年後這裡什麼也都不是
宇宙裡有什麼不是暫時？

就在我要離開這個瀑布時
我突然游得更加輕易
晚上折射到池底的燈光很美 但是
我都要離去不留戀到八時

我感受到心裡的悸動。MLA 長大了，我也長大了。死和離別，也不留戀。

Enjoy being alive

I always adore ppt with great wisdom. Thus I love reading. My belief is everyone can become a better person, as long as you identify how to respond to this cruel world.

Monday's lesson is the most memorial one I ever have. I just wanna to cry when the instructor self-disclosed himself. So much compassion arises from pain and despair. You know, the best ppl in history (like religious figures, peaceful social activist) had all gone through their darkest life journey. So I know I simply can't avoid pain and suffering. Enjoy being alive, no matter what circumstances it will be.

唔係卦，咁正斗？

禪的心理治療版原來就是Gestalt。聽完我想暈，我一直想找可以將禪put into practice 的手法，找到了。

酒肉朋友與知心好友之間

如要取捨，當然是取知心好友而放棄酒肉朋友，不過原來酒肉朋友對生活影響更大。
酒肉朋友就似食物，只是滿足你基本需要，譬如是吃喝玩樂，譬如是消磨時間，又譬如是閑中作伴，稍稍消除孤獨感。而知心好友呢，就滿足更高層次的需要，譬如愛與包容，譬如認同與肯定，甚至自我實現。於是，把酒肉朋友連根拔起，就將基本生活挖空一角。
近來感受更深，譬如看電影，譬如週日發呆，譬如郊遊，譬如上cafe，空空的一角，友人撤離，又急急找酒肉朋友替代品，那又何苦？終究不慣，而我因此很久沒有上電影院了。不欲汲汲去融入別人的圈子，做一些自己不喜歡的消磨時間事宜。interpersonal isolation還可忍，但existential isolation 最難耐。

On writing up my paper

So I am now fully utilizing my April to write up 2 papers. I'm particularly interested on writing one of them as I am writing something concerning the existential situation of human beings. OK, I'm not writing about Being and Time, but just on Irwin Yalom and Rollo May. I cannot dig into philosophy as sometimes I find that existentialism is too dark and distressing for me. Writing these stuffs make me feel that I am able to integrate my different interests, such as psychology, movies, drama, reading and buddhism. That makes me feel great.

Meet someone who also love Irwin Yalom's writing. I was so excited to show her my copy of "Love's Executioner" to her when we talked. She was surprised that I love Yalom as such young age. I regard that I'm a little bit late. Several years earlier I become interested in existentialism but I knew that I couldn't find the answer to living as a human being from such writings and so I quitted. That's great that I finally find Yalom. His compassion towards human beings is comforting.

Mindfulness, stomachache, insomnia

I've had stomachache and insomnia for two days already. Actually I attribute my stomachache to the Sichuan food on Wed and fried pork chop on Thur. Insomnia? I can't attribute to anything physical but I have to admit that I've got anxieties again. I can't keep mindful during anxieties. I try again today to keep mindful throughout the day and see if I can sleep more tonite.

The Turin Horse

146分鐘，黑白片，少對白，就這麼拍著一間小屋，一間馬廐，就成了事。拍六天的生活，大抵天天如是，馬兒老去，不願吃喝，等待死亡，而兩父女還在天天起床、打水、穿衣、透火、吃土豆，呆望窗外的暴風，大自然叫著末日的訊號而他們混然不覺，吉卜賽人叫女兒走而她不肯走，早上打水沒了，父女試過離開又不成，連光都沒了還在啃土豆。

我近來正在啃Yalom 的書籍，講存在心理治療，講死亡，講自由，講孤獨，講無意義，看The Turin Horse 時我就不停rewind 這些concept，已經無需要用語言去解釋，人存在沒有實體，沒有structure ，馬兒死得很decent ，而父女還在掙扎求存，誰更有意義？你答到嗎？存在主義的確會讀瘋人的，那個瘋狂的人是我。

Meditation

I've promised myself that I will do some sitting meditation everyday, no matter how tired I am and how short it is. Doing some mindfulness exercise is extremely good for me. The most difficult mindfulness exercise is being with others. How can I be aware of myself and others at the same time? I think I ought to practise more on myself so that it will be easier for me to be aware of myself first.