"Anyone who cannot come to terms with his life while he is alive needs on hand to ward off a little his despair over his fate—he has little success in this—but with the other hand he can note down what he sees among the ruins, for he sees different (and more) things than do the others; after all, dead as he is in his own lifetime, he is the real survivor. This assumes that he does not need both hands, or more hands than he has, in his struggle against despair."--Kafka



Saturday, August 21, 2010

燃料耗盡的結果

衝呀!衝呀!衝了十個星期,什麼都完了的第一個週末,竟然是抑鬱。
我已連續六個星期六早上起來,梳洗,趕回醫院,做準備,開組,去飲茶,下午可能有事做,做完回家,睡覺,睡醒做功課,星期日做功課,星期一又回醫院,每天都有新事物……停下來的這個星期,原來是虛空。
以及,遺忘/被遺忘。
遺忘要去那兒。
遺忘要做什麼。
遺忘十個星期前的生活。
孤絕的十個星期,再接一些電話,竟然不懂得應對。你不當我的十個星期是什麼的一回事,十個星期歡笑與眼淚一地都是,都是印記,你就為什麼不看一眼,你就為什麼就當我消失了一樣,然後只是討我這些那些,我就是沒氣力跟你說這些那些。
肌肉和骨頭疼痛,滿腹子的訴說,就作罷了。

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